Frankly darling, if you want to know the naked, wretched truth of it, I wake up every morning shocked to find that I’m still here. At all. That I actually managed to make it this far. That I didn’t run off a cliff or burst into flames or just expire from plain old stupidity. And darling let me tell you, in those days there was plenty of stupid to go around. Enough for everybody and then some.
And even though — I’ll be honest — there were more than a few times over the years I thought well why not. Why not just go out in a blaze of glory. Why not make a spectacular end to it all because what in life could possibly top that. And how sad and pathetic would it be to live a lesser life. To become a diminished version of myself.
But for one reason or another I just didn’t and it’s a good thing because here’s another juicy little secret I’ll let you in on — and I’ll tell you, it’s like the biggest in-joke ever. I know it’s hard to believe, but only lately have I come to realize how much more interesting I am now than I ever was back then! I know! Crazy, right? When I think back to how vacuous we were — and I mean that in the nicest possible way — it makes me laugh. Almost makes me cry sometimes.
We were like empty vessels waiting to be filled up. Like those endless glasses of Veuve Cliquot we used to consume en masse. I still love them, I confess. The bubbles, that is. There’s absolutely nothing a crystal flute of sparkling deliciousness won’t make better. That’s not a bad metaphor, actually, if you’re looking for one, for our lives back then. Like a glass of champagne bubbles — glorious but ephemeral. That really is rather clever, isn’t it?
These days, people use the word ‘diva’ about me. Don’t tut tut, darling! I know they do. Toss it around like a little velvet throw pillow with tassels on the corners. Well, maybe it applies, I don’t know. But honestly, don’t you think the word has worn itself out already? So overused, and on people who absolutely don’t deserve it! Let me tell you, you have to earn that title! It takes years and it takes miles. And I’ve got both. Personally, I prefer ‘doyenne’ myself. But I can’t choose the things people write about me.
And guess what? Now comes the payoff for all those years and all those miles. And all those tears too, darling. Who knew? I’m bigger and better than ever! People keep telling me how amazing I am. A legend! Who could have imagined! I’m telling you darling, it’s the biggest in-joke ever. Of course nobody gets it except me.